I understand we have a woman in the audience tonight. If anybody is missing a woman, check at the desk after the show. The management would forcibly remove her now, but she'll cause less trouble if she sits quietly-- and, come on-- who wants to entertain a woman for two hours? Not the management, that's for sure. I kid, guys, I kid. I'm sure you the fine people who run this place would be happy to take care of her-- they have janitors for a reason! No reason to cause a commotion though. It has been agreed that she be allowed in for the duration, assuming she can keep herself from doing anything messy and biological, like giving birth or something.
That aside, we've got some great acts lined up for you tonight. An educational one act is being put on by the local Men's Acting Guild, entitled "Original Sin: Eve of Vice" which I understand is a retelling of that classic bible tale with which we are all familiar. And, of course, our headline act, the Pipes, Hats, And Acrobats Fellows are here to regale you with their inimitable blend of tossing, tumbling, smoking, and style (pause for applause). But before our show begins, permit me to set the mood with a short historical essay-- first in a series of five. I hope it reminds us all why were are here in this room tonight.
As long as there has been Man, there has been woman. In the beginning, when the first man set foot upon the earth, the first woman was also there, menstruating or whining about something. When the first man discovered fire, precious gift from the Gods, the first woman was there to fearfully stamp it out. When he drew upon the walls, she was there to scrub them clean, and yell at him for messing up the cave. When he first hunted game, she was there to complain about how cold and stringy the meat was, which lead to the only useful womanly invention in history: Cooking.
Where Men banded together, so too did women. When the first cities were formed, women were there to make sure they were full of sin and corruption. It is no coincidence that "the oldest profession" is the womanly art of tempting men into vice. Woman and vice have gone hand and hand since then. Indeed, it is widely theorized that were it not for woman, man would live today in peace and harmony, without need for money or weapons. Ancient man saw this, and attempted to fix the problem by controlling women. For century upon golden century, women were held as possessions-- tradable goods without rights or votes. Successive generations of Men saw the wisdom of their forbears, and these wise ways flourished for thousands of years. But Mankind, forgetting the devious ways of women, and growing lazy after so many centuries of thriving success, forgot the reasons why he kept women in their place, and so allowed the Great Betrayal to occur.
Next show: Women's sufferage
(waits for applause to ebb)
Thank you, gentlemen! The Men's Acting Guild is on next-- let's give them a welcome as befits their status as the only remaining acting guild on this continent that continues to withold female membership!
(Exits, lights dim, orchestra begins playing dirge, man wearing women's clothing enters stage.)